I love me some folk science and old fashioned home remedy.
Here is a piece that has been making the rounds on facebook as of late...
Original text in black, and
My thoughtful reflections in blue.
DID
YOU KNOW? - DID YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?
A Response.
You know what else conditions hair? Hair conditioner. Use conditioner to condition your hair. Drink the beer.
2. Pam cooking spray will dry finger nail polish
Pam also covers your fingers in grease though. You could channel the breath from an elephant's trunk. That would probably dry nail polish. It's not very convenient, however, and will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Hair dryers will also dry nail polish. They are conveniently located in the places where nails are usually polished.
Also, you could use the air around you and five minutes time. That will also dry finger nail polish.
Conditioner will also condition your hair...in like 30 seconds. Also, Cool Whip tastes much better on pie than conditioner. Also, conditioner is commonly found in the shower where people commonly condition hair.
4. Mayonnaise will KILL LICE, it will also condition your hair
As a hair conditioner, Mayonnaise will make your hair smell like rotten eggs. It’s made from eggs. The residue will rot. Your hair will smell like rotten eggs because it literally is covered with rotten eggs.
Side note: conditioner does not smell like rotten eggs and also conditions hair.
5. Elmer's Glue - paint on your face, allow it to dry, peel off and see the dead skin and blackheads if any.
This one might be a good idea, though duct tape is probably quicker. I really just don’t know because I’ve always used skin care products to, you know, care for my skin.
6. Shiny Hair - use brewed Lipton Tea
Have I told you about conditioner? Enjoy a cup of tea while you refer to items one, three, and four in the list above.
7. Sunburn - empty a large jar of Nestea into your bath water
Aloe Vera lotion also works and doesn’t require that you pickle your naked body. Sunburns are awful. Treat yourself to some Nestea with someone you love while waiting for the aloe to kick in.
8. Minor burn - Colgate or Crest toothpaste
Quit being such a wimp. You said it was a minor burn. Brush your teeth and go to bed. It will be gone in the morning.
9. Burn your tongue? Put sugar on it!
Sugar tastes great, but you probably won’t taste it. You just burned your damn tongue. Look, your body will need time to repair. Be patient and appreciate the fact that your body can repair itself.
You are kind of like Wolverine, and that’s not too shabby.
10. Arthritis? WD-40 Spray and rub in, kill insect stings too
I get it. The human body is all made of hinges. Everything bends. Arthritis affects the joints. Joints and hinges can get creaky. However, WD-40 is generally recommended for metal hinges found outside of the human body. For example, a door hinge.
Medical science has found ways to manage arthritis, but WD-40 is not one of them. That idea came from folk science (aka not science).
Methinks that somewhere in these United States, a lab rat has died of cancer and smells like WD-40. That's real science.
11. Bee stings - meat tenderizer
12. Chigger bite - Preparation H
I’m scared to death of chiggers even though I’m not exactly sure what they are. They freak me out. If I ever got a chigger bite, I’d probably go for Preparation H, or anything else that might make me feel marginally better about having a chigger bite me.
13. Puffy eyes - Preparation H
I guess this is okay, but here’s the rub, so to speak:
Hemorrhoids are really bad. They are extremely embarrassing, painful, discomforting, cause bloody stools, not to mention the itching and irritation in the you-know-where regions, and maybe even cause swelling or lumps down there. Not enough? Leakage of feces; exactly what it sounds like and as bad as you can imagine. At least, that’s what I’ve heard from a friend of mine. It's never happened to me. I'm just sharing what I've heard.
When a hemorrhoid rears its ugly head, you’ll definitely want to be prepared with Preparation H (hence, the name). It would just be awful; a literal pain in the ass, to find yourself in dire need and realize that you've blown it all on chigger bites and puffy eyes.
Be prepared.
14. Paper cut - crazy glue or chap stick (glue is used instead of sutures at most hospitals)
Just don’t glue your paper cut to your other fingers, or the glue container itself, because that really hurts. This one has happened to me personally. It’s also painful and embarrassing, though not nearly as bad as having hemorrhoids (like my friend had). At least, that's what I would imagine having never personally experienced a hemorrhoid, or chronically recurring hemorrhoids, ever before in my life.
15. Stinky feet – Jello
That’s a great idea if you like the smell of stinky feet and fruit. Otherwise, anti-fungal cream also cures stinky feet. Also, anti-fungal cream doesn’t make your feet smell like fruit. Also, anti-fungal cream does not stain your feet bright colors. Also, anti-fungal cream does not make a sticky mess all over your bathroom.
May I recommend anti-fungal cream? Otherwise, you also run the risk that your kids walk into the bathroom while you are soaking your feet in a bucket of Jello. That also happened to a friend of mine. He said it was embarrassing, and surprisingly difficult to explain. His wife still doesn’t believe that is what he was really doing in there.
16. Athletes feet – cornstarch
This is why you have stinky feet. See immediately above. If you can solve item 15, you’ve solved this one as well. They are literally the same thing.
17. Fungus on toenails or fingernails - Vicks vapor rub
If you have fungus on your toenails, refer to items 13 and 14 above. It’s seriously the same thing.
On the other hand, If you have fungus on your fingernails, that’s a whole different problem. Quit looking for home remedies and get yourself to a doctor. You need to know that this is really weird and concerning. Possibly a plague, I don't know.
It just sounds biblical.
Pay for an expert on this one.
18. Kool aid to clean dishwasher pipes. Just put in the detergent section and run a cycle, it will also clean a toilet. (Wow, and we drink this stuff)
What the hell are dishwasher pipes?
Why are you trying to clean them?
Also, don't clean your toilet with Kool Aid.
Kool Aid goes in the fridge, not the toilet. Urine goes in the toilet, not the fridge.
Do not mix this up.
19. Kool Aid can be used as a dye in paint also Kool Aid in Dannon plain yogurt as a finger paint, your kids will love it and it won't hurt them if they eat it!
Instead of Kool Aid, try using paint dye to . . . you know, dye your paint.
It seems like you have a lot of Kool Aid. Maybe you could give your kids the option of not drinking your Kool Aid?
Also, don’t let your kids eat paint.
If you own a scratched CD, find somebody who owns a computer and repeat the following: “Will you please take me to your google machine and search for the word “internet?”
This phrase will unlock many music listening alternatives that are far superior to the CD. You could also ask a young buck to to google the word "iPod." I think they still sell those.
Never apply peanut butter to electronic devices.
21. Sticking bicycle chain - Pam no-stick cooking spray
Nope. Trick question. The correct answer here was WD-40.
22. Pam will also remove paint, and grease from your hands! Keep a can in your garage for your hubby
Listen dip shit. If you want to get grease off of your hands, don’t go spraying more grease onto your hands.
Also, If your hubby keeps a can of Pam in the garage, keep an eye on him. I’m not sure why, but keep an eye on him. It's just strange.
23. Peanut butter will remove ink from the face of dolls
If you have a doll with ink and peanut butter all over its face, destroy it.
Light that doll on fire.
Let it burn to ashes.
Remove the ashes and bury them far away from where you live.
Trust me on this. I’ve seen tattered dolls like that in the movies. They are creepy. The movie never ends well.
24. When the doll clothes are hard to put on, sprinkle with corn starch and watch them slide on
What . . . the . . . hell?
Sprinkling corn starch on dolls and then watching as you slide the clothing on and off?
? ! ? !
I told you to keep an eye on him. Jello soaking was a cry for help. If this type of stuff is happening, I don't know what to say. Help is out there, but is usually found inside of a prison.
It may be too late now.
25. Heavy dandruff - pour on the vinegar !
Off the top of my head, I would recommend dandruff shampoo. There are many good brands to choose from. Even generic dandruff shampoos would be head and shoulders above the option of dumping vinegar on your head. Ouch.
26. Body paint - Crisco mixed with food coloring. Heat the Crisco in the microwave, pour in to an empty film container and mix with the food color of your choice!
Holy shit. Why are you painting your body with hot Crisco?
Knock it off before you land in prison.
Go find a healthy hobby in life, I don't know, perhaps collecting old film containers? Any hobby is better than this.
27. Tie Dye T-shirt - mix a solution of Kool Aid in a container, tie a rubber band around a section of the T-shirt and soak
You might be a dirty hippie. It was high time for tie dye to die way back in the 60s and that was nearly 60 years ago. Is that also when you last bathed? If yes, go find a bar of soap.
28. Preserving a newspaper clipping - large bottle of club soda and cup of milk of magnesia , soak for 20 min. and let dry, will last for many years!
Huh?
29. A Slinky will hold toast and CD's!
You know what else is good for holding toast? Your hands.
Again with the CDs?
30. To keep goggles and glasses from fogging, coat with Colgate toothpaste
IF you survive your car crash, good luck explaining why you decided to smear toothpaste all over your glasses. Fog is at least semi-transparent.
32. To remove wax - Take a paper towel and iron it over the wax stain, it will absorb into the towel.
Point taken. Duly noted.
Yeah, whatever.
34. Baked on food - fill container with water, get a Bounce paper softener and the static from the Bounce towel will cause the baked on food to adhere to it. Soak overnight. Also; you can use 2 Efferdent tablets , soak overnight!
Point taken. Duly noted.
35. Crayon on the wall - Colgate toothpaste and brush it!
Sounds reasonable.
36. Dirty grout – Listerine
That’s not grout. It’s called tooth decay. Listerine is okay, but never a substitute for brushing, flossing, and good oral hygiene.
If it really is grout, it's high time for check-up.
Please accept my apologies.
Use stain remover.
Use stain remover.
Use stain remover.
You dirty hippie. The fleas are coming from you. Your plans for the weekend should include a case of 20 Mule Team Borax and 24 hours of your personal time.
A regular bar of soap will no longer "git 'er done."
Point taken. Duly noted.
42. Gatorade is good for Migraine Headaches (PowerAde won't work)
Point taken and well appreciated at this juncture.
I definitely have a migraine now.
Did you know that bread is delivered fresh to the stores five days a week? Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.
Each day has a different color twist tie.
They are:
Monday = Blue,Tuesday = Green,Thursday = RedFriday = WhiteSaturday = Yellow.
So if today was Thursday, you would want red twist tie; not white which is Fridays (almost a week old)! The colors go alphabetically by color Blue- Green - Red - White - Yellow, Monday through Saturday.
Very easy to remember.
I thought this was interesting. I looked in the grocery store and the bread wrappers DO have different twist ties, and even the ones with the plastic clips have different colors. You learn something new everyday! Enjoy fresh bread when you buy bread with the right color on the day you are shopping.
Pass this information on to friends so they can be informed.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
You know what else?
Look at the date stamp.
